Are You a Bad Person for Not dating Someone in a wheelchair blog title

Are You a Bad Person For Not Dating a Person with a Disability?

The answer is short – no. What would make you a bad person is refusing to consider why you wouldn’t date someone in a wheelchair. If you’re just not attracted to the person, fine. That’s normal, I won’t shout ableism at you (although I never shout ableism – sometimes I think pulling the alarm on ableism does more harm than good – but that’s another topic for another time)

As a society, we seem to want to find some self-righteous human rights movement to join, help those “less fortunate” than us… and then continue about our selfish lives. It includes me, so don’t worry about it… it’s a human problem, not just an able bodied problem. I mean, worry about it because it causes hypocrisy among humankind – everyone’s a hypocrite sometime in their lives – and no, I’m not sorry for saying it.

I live in America, so I know how selfish, self-righteous and hateful we are. We hate the good, the bad and everything in between. It’s so easy to sound the whistle on someone who says something negative about a person with a disability. I’m not made of glass. I can handle someone not liking me. I have, and I’m sure I will again. The fact is, if you’re not attracted to a disabled person, it’s okay. As long as you treat that person like you would another able-bodied person. I would assume that’s with empathy and respect for the other person. Attractiveness is subjective, cultural and sometimes (a lot of times) superficial. Features, looks, personalities are different for a reason, and even I have a very superficial, specific type – bass fiddle guitar players with tattoos I mean wait… my grandma reads this – no one is exempt. We can try all we want to be fair, but life isn’t and neither is humankind.

For Valentine’s Day, I posted about a blind date gone wrong (link) – that scenario came to mind writing this, because I questioned if I was right to feel as hurt as I felt when I was rejected. The fact of that situation was he liked me before he saw that I was disabled AND I SAID I WAS DISABLED. He just ignored it until he saw it in real life. So there’s the difference. He liked me and then he judged me for physical reasons. IT’S OKAY. I dodged a bullet obviously.

Here’s where everyone can relate: NEVER be in a relationship because you think it’s right, or to spare someone’s feelings. In the end, it’s a toxic relationship. You mean well, but it does serious damage to self-esteem. It doesn’t matter age, gender, race, disability (and all the ones I missed) – it hurts no matter who you ask. Never stay in a relationship if you don’t want it, or it’s abusive, or you think you’re not good enough for someone else… chances are you’re too good for the one you’re with.

 

And that’s my two cents. Take it.

 

Six Months Update

Six Months

Six Months. It’s unbelievable it’s been that long in a hospital/rehabilitation setting. On one hand, it feels like just yesterday this started, and on another hand it feels like it has no end and I’ve been here my entire life. Since my first update, things have been a lot better. I’m off antibiotics for now. They’ll make a return before all of this is over. I’ve felt better, had more energy and the weather is finally turning into spring. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, almost.

 

I’m going in for a flap surgery on June 4th, to close the wound. It was my worst case scenario situation, and since the wound does not seem to want to close any time soon and I WANT MY LIFE BACK, I opted for surgery. It was more than just an I’m Bored of This decision. The longer it’s open, the more it’s going to be infected. Currently, I have osteomyelitis in two parts of my sacral bones. The hardcore antibiotics will make a return after this intensive recovery.

 

I’ll be in the hospital for 3-4 weeks just chilling on bed rest after this surgery. I avoided this as long as I could, but there’s a few things this fall I need to do. I want to start 2019 off on a totally different level than I spent 2018. I have goals, and those goals are what keep me moving here.

 

I’m still tired all the time, not allowed to be up out of bed more than 2 hours a day (I’ve only broken that rule a few times) and the food still is terrible. But I will always talk about how much the people around me mean to me. My friends and family are the reasons why I’m still sane and not dying of starvation. I am really looking forward to have forward progress again.

What I Meant to Post a Week Ago…

I wanted to post five days ago, but there wasn’t much to say. Nothing too major has happened. Nothing too exciting. Basically I’m just sitting here, waiting on my my appointment to see my surgeon – which is a week and a half away. Most of my time last week was spent sleeping… I mean SLEEPING. To the point of I was only awake about 3 hours a day. I’m still sleeping a LOT but the nurse who has to look at the wound every day says it looks a lot healthier. I also fought a cold this past weekend, so I really didn’t want to blog all about the boring stuff. Also, writing all of these things down and editing and pictures take a LOT of energy that I just didn’t have until today (Thursday, April 11th) Honestly, all my energy has gone into prayer for my best friend, Hannah. She had surgery this week to correct one of her health issues, so really, I wasn’t very focused on what I was doing. I was focusing on what she was doing, how she was feeling. For once in the last almost six months, I wasn’t thinking about what was wrong with me and it was SUPER refreshing. Spoiler: She’s doing well, so now I can go back to what’s going on with me.

 

Focusing on my recovery is a huge battle. It’s not only keeping myself physically healthy and fit, it’s keeping myself MENTALLY healthy. A lot of this recovery IS a mental battle and there are a lot of times where I need to put in headphones, tell everyone to leave me alone and read a book, or pick up my Bible and open to a random chapter and read. I find the best verses when I open my Bible at random. During the day, I do keep the radio on a lot. I use the radio because it tells me events going on, and gives me some sort of feeling of being in the community. Not just what’s going on in this wing of a skilled nursing rehab where 99% of the time some person is yelling for help – that’s not an exaggeration.

 

A lot of my mental health isn’t even about what’s going on with me. It’s having to listen to other residents who are in the end stages of life, knowing people pass away just doors away from me. At 26 years old, I’ve learned about my own mortality. Life is precious and it’s very easily ended. We think we’re doing great in life and then one thing happens and you’re in the hospital for a year. (I hope and pray it won’t be a year, but I love exaggeration) So watching other people being moved to a hospice or not making it through the night can be intense.

 

Being aware of how I feel has been part of my every day routine. Do I feel like getting out of bed? That’s usually very ambitious of me. Do I feel like putting on makeup? SUPER ambitious. Do I want food today is the biggest struggle I have – I’ve mentioned how terrible food is here – Sometimes I just don’t want to eat. Actually I just don’t want to eat 75% of the time. It’s not a new thing for me either. I just don’t like eating. I forget to eat if I’m not around people who eat. Unless it’s french fries and honey mustard. I’d eat that forever. I have to tell myself every day that If I don’t at least TRY to interact at least on social media, I’ll feel even worse tomorrow.

 

Thankfully, I have super amazing friends that hardly ever let me not talk to them. They keep me in the loop with what’s happening in their lives so I feel like I’m still part of everything. I get videos from shows/concerts/events. Because if you know me, you know I would go to a show every day if I could, and I think I did that for a month once. It was exhausting. But that’s the kind of exhausted I miss. The kind from being outside for too long, or from traveling a long distance, or sitting outside in a line for eight hours (I’ve only done it three times, and all three times it was necessary for me to be able to see the concert – the fourth WILL be in September when we’re at Justin Timberlake. We will definitely be on the look out for him… because… it’s Justin Timberlake)

 

The kind of exhaustion I feel now is an overwhelming need to shut my eyes or the inability to even open my eyes. It’s not even being able to lift a three pound weight in my left arm because for more than six weeks I had a PICC line in my arm and hardly moved it at all. It’s the fact that my left arm actually has a TREMOR now when I use it in an activity that’s anymore than lifting a pillow. It’ll correct itself in time, when I’m not sitting in a bed 22 hours a day. Also, I’ve been commended for STAYING in bed by the nurse who looks at it almost every day. She said to stay in bed, and sometimes that’s impossible. Like tomorrow, it’ll be 60 degrees outside. I think it’s supposed to be sunny. Even five minutes of light therapy will be goodness for my body and soul. I’m not complaining. It could be so much worse, and even though this is very, very bad… it’s more of an out of body experience where it doesn’t feel like it’s really happening, but it is. I have weird pains every once in a while, because I don’t have much feeling past my waist, but I seem to have enough to get weird uncomfortable pains when I sit or lay in certain positions. I’m just exhausted.