I had to do a special Valentine’s Day post. It’s SUPER personal. I didn’t think I’d WANT to share it, but I thought it was perfect for Valentine’s Day (A day I really have never celebrated even when I was in a relationship).Y’all know by now that I’m a positive person who is really comfortable with who I am. It took me a long time to figure out how to accept myself… I assume that’s every teenage-early 20s female. I set myself to go up on a date. This guy, I had never met in person, but we’d been talking for a bit. It was my first date in three-ish years.
It’s good for me to mention I hadn’t catfished this guy. I had been talking to him like normal, and I had disclosed that I was in a wheelchair, but it apparently just went in one ear and out the other, because when he came to pick me up at my apartment, he was shocked. He was mortified. He came inside to talk to me and I was okay. I had expected some questions and he had SEEMED open, but only because he hadn’t taken all my cues and thought deeply about what I had told him.
This guy sat down, and he kept repeating “I don’t know if I can do this”. He shook his head over and over like I was an alien. Like I could never be desirable to anyone – I felt unhuman. Here I was dressed up to go to my favorite restaurant, and here he was asking me questions and trying to struggle with his moral complex. I almost felt bad for the guy. I said almost.
He then agreed to take me out to talk, but that it would just be that one time. I was okay with that, because 1 – I was starving, 2 – I’ve learned that in a relationship if someone doesn’t pass a first impression it’s never going to be a relationship, it’ll be pity. I value myself way more than settling for pity. I choose to educate and move on with life.
So after half an hour of back and forth conversation face to face with this guy, he said (and I remember this so vividly) “I’m sorry, but I think I need to just leave. This is too much of a shock right now.” TOO. MUCH. OF. A. SHOCK. I fought for days after that to reason that… yeah… it is a shock… it’s different for the able-bodied to wrap their head around not being able to have use of half of a body. But I couldn’t justify it, and chalked it up to him just being a person who doesn’t practice what they preach.
He didn’t even take me to dinner. He just left. He said “I know I’ll regret this and it will haunt me forever.” I’m probably an awful person for hoping it did haunt him at least for a little while.
It hurt. It hurt a lot. I did sit in my room and cry about it for maybe an hour. He texted me for two hours after trying to explain himself… like there’s some other way to explain how he’s shallow about his women. We all have body issues and things we can’t change. This guy tore me down for a bit, but I got back up. I’m okay again and it’s just some story I’m telling all y’all.
Just think about this, when you say you’re a non-judgemental, loving person… are you really? Are you really going to protest racism, but preach ableism? Before you tell me that it’s different… it’s not. A person is a person is a person. A black person didn’t choose to be black. I didn’t choose to be a paraplegic. Just. Think. Please….